How To Deal With Broken Machines

1. Approach the ailing machine in a confident manner. This will give the machine the (often mistaken) idea that you know something. This will also impress anyone who happens to be looking and if the machine should suddenly start to work you will be credited with it’s repair. If this step fails to work proceed to setp two.
2. Wave the reference manual at the machine. This will make the machine assume that you are at least somewhat familiar with the sources of knowledge. Should this step fail to work, proceed to step three.
3. In a forceful manner, recite ohm’s law to the machine – (before taking this step, refer to some reliable textbook and assure your knowledge of ohm’s law). This will prove to the machine, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you do know something. This is a drastic step and should be attempted only after the first two have been tried.
4. Jar the machine slightly. This may require from a three foot to a six foot drop, preferably on a concrete floor. However, we must be very careful with this step because, while jarring is an approved method of repairing a machine, we must not mark the floor. Again, this is a drastic step and, should it fail to work, we are forced to proceed to step five.
5. Add an integrated circuit, this will prove to the machine that you are familiar with circuit design. Also, this step will give the machine an added load to carry and will thereby increase your advantage. Should these five steps fail, we must proceed to the most drastic step of all, this step is seldom needed and must be used only as a final resort.
6. T H I N K ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The Latest Computer Lingo

Computer Jargon 3

Are you Terrified of your Computer?

Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed when your friends or co-workders start spouting reams and reams of technical jargon that you will never understand? Then this article is for you! We’ll help you get over your fear of technical terminology by tickling your funny bone. We’ll start with some definitions that should be true, and we hope are entertaining.

Computer Jargon 1

When I went to college in the 1980’s, I heard a lot of words like “data input” and “beta version.” They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I’ve worked in a computer company for the last few years, I’ve gained an insider’s perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha.
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback.
Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

Beta.
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released.
Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

Computer.
Instrument of torture.
The first computer was invented by Roger “Duffy” Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the “Incompatible File Format” error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler’s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU.
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it’s a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it’s a Pentium II.

Default Directory
Black hole.
Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

File.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help.
What we all need.
Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Computer Jargon 2

Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam’s,
One covered Eve’s.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve’s treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve’s eyes,
As Adam’s thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Raced through her heart

The head of Adam’s thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve’s treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn’t let loose,
Until Adam’s thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who fasted regularly. Some may not realise that fasting, when practised regularly and for extended periods, leads not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was … a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.